The title of this post has a point, but there’s some back story you need to know first.
(Skip to “If You Read Nothing Else” Below…if you’d rather skip the backstory)
This morning I woke with my usual extreme emotion. Over the past 4 years, it has varied from extreme pain and longing to extreme anger and rage…and occasionally love. Allow me to explain. Yesterday, my ex sent me a rather large text that went something like this –
Poor Me. I was just trying to be a good father to my kids, and keep the relationship with their mom happy and healthy by secretly sending her heart and kissy face emojis (should probably add that these two people are in their 50’s). But she (that’s “me”) is just an angry person with hateful words and no understanding. Her childhood was tough, because her parents raised her to think that people are “out to get her,” and her exes weren’t good to her, but I’m super innocent, trying to do the right thing. Woe is me!!
The reality is, over the past 4 years, he has put his supposed “ex’s” feelings ahead of mine, he has put his business partner’s needs ahead of mine, he has even put making plans to fix his truck ahead of any thought to share time with me. Should I also mention that, in addition to his never ending proclamation of emoji love to his “ex,” he took her to Key West when we were together, publicly proclaimed his love for her on Facebook (allegedly for the sake of her social image), spent every single holiday with her, cancelled plans made months in advance with me when his ex called and said there was a Boy Scout campout coming up, I had to beg for him to spend every birthday with me (because it’s right around Christmas), he was distraught about spending one New Year’s with me because he was away from his children, he even cancelled on me 24 hours before my father’s funeral? Maybe I should leave all of that out. But since I didn’t, you should also know that when he did show up for me, he was almost always late for every engagement, dinner, or other plan we’ve made. I suppose I could’ve been more understanding because he always said it was all for the sake of his children.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “why did she stay so long.” Truth is, I was lost in my own dissolution. I was recently single, after a 20 year marriage, and if I were being completely honest, was over at least 5 years before we mutually called it quits, my career was in upheaval, and my dad was nearing the end of his life. I was emotionally vulnerable, and looking for something in my life. He seemed to be the diversion as my subconscious sifted through all the shit I was truly dealing with. Now you might be wondering, “when did she come to her senses?” Oh, well, allow me to explain…
I had broken up with him countless times over the 4 years, but none of them stuck…until now. Last year, my ex had a huge falling out with his business partner. It was a sick relationship for years. He was the undeclared, and often abused, “Hand of the King,” executing all of his commands. The truth is, he was splitting time between his home and his work – still supporting the household, his ex, and his children because he gave “The King” all of his money, literally, all of it. So, when the breaking point came, he asked me, “Should I just go home and get my life in order?” Considering that his ex had only gotten a “real” job a year prior, his finances were in disarray, his house was unkept, and his children had no idea of their parents’ relationship. I said, “YES!” Simply because I thought, like the rest of you, that “get my life in order” meant addressing all of these things and finding resolution. What actually happened was he immediately found a job to cover his lost income and he threw himself into it completely. He and his ex would take their kids social events (which he has lied to me about), even to the tree farm to cut down their Christmas Tree, all leading to family portraits, etc. Now, for a few years, the “family Christmas card” had been “just the kids,” as they were no longer together…but deep down I knew that when he went home and didn’t start to address the issues at hand, that she would think that everything was back to normal…typical women are rather easy to predict. Well, sure enough, their Christmas card portrayed a happy family for all the world to see…even me. That was it. He had made zero effort in nearly a year to “get his life in order,” and even though his ex, myself, and he exchanged words, from the outside, all was well in fairytale land. Oh, and he even blamed me in his most recent text by saying, “You were there for every move, you watched over everything, you told me to leave and put me in the harshest environment possible. I was set up for failure here…” Uhhhh. OK.
Needless to say, I was angry, honestly, angry wasn’t even the word. But we all know that anger is just an outward expression of hurt…and my hurt was extreme. I called everything out as I saw it, and had done so for the years preceding. I wasn’t kind, I was extremely vocal and at times rather base. There’s no defense for that, but truth is, I don’t care. The level of pain he continued to inflict is unforgivable. Even after his ex said, “I’m not attracted to you anymore, I don’t want to have sex with you…so do what you want, just don’t fall in love and don’t leave the family,” she went on to collude and execute a semi-private “intervention” on him, is a hoarder, mismanaged their finances, resented having to get a job, has never cleaned their mice infested house…I could go on and on…he still defends her is a wonderful person, mother, volunteer, and most recently “career woman,” (should probably restate that she resented getting a job, and didn’t want to take this job, she wanted to work as a summer camp counselor…but I digress). The reality is, I have ownership in all of this because I allowed it for years. It won’t come as a surprise to hear that I have zero respect for his ex, and quite frankly, had zero desire to know his children. There was no honesty on their part towards their children, and he even said in that text, “I wanted them to be part of your life.” In 4 years, they barely know that I exist. His son is entitled, and it shows in every video he’s ever sent, his house is littered with toys and junk, and you can’t even walk into his children’s bedrooms because of the disarray…but I’m the bad guy for pointing it out. His daughter is super nervous, always checking on everyone…she’s like a mom…and we all know there will be resentment for that.
Bottom line, his diatribe to me was a load of bullshit. I have had some very very hard times lately and he would say, “I’m worried about you, but I have to get my son off to camp, I’ll call you back in an hour.” He called me back 5 hours later, sounded drunk, and took the entire call to complain about himself. More reality – he rarely listened when I talked, he was either distracting himself on Instagram, or literally on a ladder, rebuilding a roof. But when it was his turn, he talked about how much he hated his life, hated his work, hated everything except his kids. Let me ask all of you, if someone hates something so much, don’t you think they would make some kind of effort to change things? Yeah…me too. But he never did. He only ever talked about himself, and when I would give requested advice, he never took it…ever. When I told him why I could no longer be involved with him emotionally, he would say, “You were so tough. You were solid, I never thought I had to worry about our relationship…I was just handling things here.” Tell me, how is someone so “solid” that they can operate on full neglect, zero consideration, zero empathy, and zero plan to actually be together? Exactly. They can’t.
If You Read Nothing Else
That’s why I woke up with this morning wanting to verbally level him, once again. But there is another detail…yesterday the stats on this blog blew the fuck up…and the posts were old, really old. I knew it was him, so I asked that he please avoid my blog. (No one likes skewed numbers.) So this morning, before I decided how I wanted to manage these emotions, I began scrolling through my posts and stumbled across this one –
I have since taken the content of that post down, but the heading was rather meaningful, which led to the post you see above. I am not a princess, I do no pretend that my life is perfect on social media, and I reserve my “dirty laundry” for posts like this. He would have you think that I’m a monster, and I could say that he made me into one…but that gives too much power to him and removes the onus from me. Truth is, I can be a monster, and equally I can be a lover. It’s up to you which version you want to see. The depth of my emotion, good or bad, all stems from the reciprocity of what I’ve given and what has been taken. I’d like to say that I handle every emotional blow with logic and integrity, but I am human and, for some reason, have an undying need to make people whom I’ve cared about understand what they’ve done. That’s what I truly want to work on…not caring once someone has shown their true colors. But the moment that happens is the moment I know that I have cemented over the part of me that goes too deep.
In the end, at least he can know that even though I have a strange way of showing it at this time, I cared deeply, I believed in him deeply, I wanted a life with him…deeply, but if what he remembers of me was my brash and vocal opposition to his life, which was directly correlated to his treatment of me, then I hope he knows the depth with which I cared.