A Dance with My Demons

It is said that the journeyman is unbound by the shackles of indenture. The journeyman is the individual who makes his own rules based on his knowledge, and the way I am defining journeyman today is not too different. In meditation, the journeyman is an individual who embarks upon their journey with the willingness to not be bound by the shackles of their own mind. The journey is experienced by the frame of mind, and what you discover along the way can either be pleasant or terrifying – and last night I experienced both with exactly the same meditation.

Last night I meditated twice to the video below. The first time was before I fell asleep for the night, and once again when I struggled to fall back to sleep at 3am. When I retired for the evening, my head was clear, and I was truly relaxed for once in a long while – attribute that to a successful end to my rather trying work week and a perfectly balanced intake of marijuana. No new thoughts came to my mind, save relishing in the pleasure of my mindset. I rested peacefully.

I was woken by my dog around 245am for a brief potty break and falling asleep proved difficult over the next hour or so. I turned to my trusty CO2 distillate vape pen and, as fate would have it, I may have accidentally taken too big of hit. I felt the ride up the high, and my body relaxed into the pillowtop. Then, before I knew it, my body was tense, and thoughts of fear seemingly came out of nowhere. I battled my demons, unsure why my conscious mind was suddenly battling for control. I went back to my mantras, visualization of every good thing I could think of. It was a battle, so I turned to a distraction to help flood my mind with positive thoughts. I used Instagram, because Facebook is filled with entirely too much negativity, and read snippets of quotes and affirmations which would force my conscious mind to be anything but idle. It worked a bit, but not enough to ease my mind. So next I turned to Amazon Prime to see what I could drum up there. Then I saw something that would take me on a journey into my mind. It was a Spanish movie called “Pan’s Labyrinth.” The most demonic depiction of a faun was set before me on a throne. The words that came to me next ushered in the peace for which I search.

“Why do they portray you as such, Pan? Who are you most sincerely?”

It was in that moment that I wanted to know this creature, underneath it all. He was no demon, but rather an emissary for something. So, I decided to speak to him, ask him who he was, and instantly I felt that I was in the presence of a misunderstood being. A being which I perceived represented my demons, so in turn, I searched for the beauty within the image. My demons were clearly acting out, in the only way they knew how, due to my lack of attention to them. So I paid attention and gave them my time. They said nothing, and neither did I, but there was an air of unspoken appreciation for them, as well as a challenge for me. My demons are, in and of themselves, my challenges. Trying to rid myself of them is pointless, but acknowledging their presence and roll in my life brings understanding and relieves the anguish which is birthed by neglect.

That’s the moment a random thought came into my mind, and I forced myself to wake up enough to write it down. It had nothing to do with my demons, and nothing to do with anything I had really been thinking about lately, but apparently, my dance with the demons had a thought awaiting me. I had to work through their barrier to find it, and it was definitely worth sharing.

What resonated the most to me about this thought was the lack of personal touch our ledgers will have in the future. Instead of seeing people’s signatures, we are simply seeing digital depictions of their thoughts. It’s lacking something – it’s literally lacking personal touch. Less than a century from now, sifting through our loved one’s personal effects will lack their personal touch, the signature of who they are, the tiny elements of handwriting which give us a window into their true energy. Perhaps this thought is influenced by my romantic view of years gone by, or perhaps it’s a message to myself to keep writing, in its truest form, so I can know who I am, deep down.

More meditations can be found in the playlists on my YouTube channel – Cannabis Meditation Network.

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