I’ve decided to start writing again…I don’t really understand why I ever stop. I suppose it’s because it drains me to think about topics and, then weave words that desire to be read. But here I go…again.
“I am an adulteress.” I repeated this to myself, as I searched the reflection in the mirror for any sign that the woman I once was still existed. In just two short years, the youfulness had dwindled from my eyes, and began to show as a new dullness in both my skin and eyes reflected back to me. Apparently, all of the trials and tribulations I had endured in my first forty years didn’t take nearly the toll that just two years spent in the beautiful turmoil of passion provided.
I suppose there is still a level of naïveté that demonstrates itself, even at the age of thirty-eight. Looking back, I could equate myself to a child, desperately seeking the comfort, the safe embrace, only a parent could provide. At the time, I was as lost as a piece of driftwood, carried across the miles of open ocean, with no particular destination. All I wanted was a safe place to rest my weary heart. It was quite pathetic, in retrospect. But somehow, I convinced myself that nothing mattered, no sin too great, for the warm sanctuary of an equally aching heart would heal all indiscretions.
After a slew of let downs, I can’t deny that my outlook has been a bit bleak. I want so terribly to believe in myself…my future…my goals…but let downs can yield a devastating blow. Then I woke up. Literally. I woke this morning knowing that let downs aren’t going to stop me from pursuing, and achieiving, my goals. Same goes for you…I’m by your side.
While meditating, I found myself saying “I wish I was who I am today back in high school.” Then it hit me, why? Why isn’t it ok to be this person today…I love that I can appreciate myself today…my 17 year old self would never have appreciated this type of experience, knowledge, and growth. Why do so many of us want to take our knowledge back in time instead of applying it to our future? Do we think we can undo some great damage…make better choices? You know as well as I do that we needed to make those choices and experience the resulting damages to become this greater version of ourselves. If we were this amazing person all those years ago, we would make other bad decisions and suffer, perhaps, greater damages. Choices, good and bad, helped mold the person we now know.
Although, it really is nice to realize that we apparently love this version of ourselves so much, we wish we were always like this.
Each of us was taught what was to be considered important…what possibilities were right and which were wrong. Now, our brains are unable to see all the other possibilities in the world. For example, if I perceive there is something that I want but was told that “something” was unimportant, I have learned to dismiss it as unwantable or unnecessary. It is now our obligation to ourselves to retrain our brains to see what we deem as important. Although it is truly no one’s “fault,” we didn’t choose this narrow way of seeing the world, but we can choose to change…we can choose to see what we want, why we want it, and how to get it.
To do this doesn’t take “affirming” it simply takes choosing. Choosing to see all the other information we have blocked out for so long.
Be open to seeing your choices, be open to seeing what you once did not.
I’m choosing to see things differently, I’m choosing to see different things.