The Government Agent’s Wife

I’ve decided to share my story. It’s less about entertainment and more about therapy. Perhaps you can relate…although, in many cases, I hope you can’t. I’ll start at the beginning and end somewhere near the present. Not sure how many posts this will take, so keep an eye out. 

My Beginning

It was a warm, Arizona day, shortly after my 21st birthday. My parents and some friends had taken me and my friend to Vegas to celebrate our milestone birthdays. I was so young to have endured what I had already endured. You see, I was married at the tender age of 19. Not because I was in love, but because I wanted a way out of my parent’s house. 

My parents were good people, strong people, and very savvy, to boot. Every time I tried to move out on my own, they would point out how it just couldn’t be done alone. Well, along came a man who could change all of that. He had family money, a decent job, and he said he loved me. What more could a seriously insecure girl want? I promptly got engaged and the day after our wedding, the abuse began. It started with him berating me, then physically dominating me, squeezing me until I couldn’t breathe, and quickly moved to smothering me with pillows, and repeated rapes. He even went so far as to trick me into believing he wasn’t home and ambushing me. It ended with him raping me, a gun sat on the table that my head hit as he sodomized me.

Had it not been for my parents coming over for dinner that night, I’m not sure what would’ve happened to me. They put what they could of my things in trash bags and moved me back home. Over the coming months, my ex kept baiting me with items of necessity, like my car insurance cards. I went to pick them up from the front porch and he would grab me and sodomize me. I honestly don’t know why I went over there, why I trusted that things like that wouldn’t have happened, but they did…and I’m lucky to be here today to tell my story. 

In the end, he sold all of my childhood belongings, things I held so dear, and that was the end of the girl, I had become a damaged adult by the age of 20. 

I guess it all makes sense that my next relationship, which started when I was 21, would be with a handsome man with policeman aspirations. Of course, I didn’t know it when we first met, but within moments I knew that this man was someone I could trust, and that was a big deal. He achieved his goal of becoming a police officer three months after we started dating in March of 1998, and I thought that we were on our way to a good, long, happy life. 

He moved 100 miles away and we maintained a long distance relationship for two years. Even though he became engulfed in his job and added a level of arrogance to his personality, I still loved him and thought we could make it through anything. Looking back, I guess I loved him enough for the both of us, only to find that that could never last. 

New Fiction

I’ve decided to start writing again…I don’t really understand why I ever stop. I suppose it’s because it drains me to think about topics and, then weave words that desire to be read. But here I go…again. 

“I am an adulteress.” I repeated this to myself, as I searched the reflection in the mirror for any sign that the woman I once was still existed. In just two short years, the youfulness had dwindled from my eyes, and began to show as a new dullness in both my skin and eyes reflected back to me. Apparently, all of the trials and tribulations I had endured in my first forty years didn’t take nearly the toll that just two years spent in the beautiful turmoil of passion provided. 

I suppose there is still a level of naïveté that demonstrates itself, even at the age of thirty-eight. Looking back, I could equate myself to a child, desperately seeking the comfort, the safe  embrace, only a parent could provide. At the time, I was as lost as a piece of driftwood, carried across the miles of open ocean, with no particular destination. All I wanted was a safe place to rest my weary heart. It was quite pathetic, in retrospect. But somehow, I convinced myself that nothing mattered, no sin too great, for the warm sanctuary of an equally aching heart would heal all indiscretions. 

Manifesting Your Dreams

Some people say we need to truly believe we already have what we desire in order for it to manifest in our reality. Well, what if we are constantly slipping into other universes and realities? What if each day we see ourselves waking up in the reality that holds our most cherished desires? Each day we would be slipping closer and closer to our goals. If we can perceive life this way, maybe then we can create the belief we’ve been lacking and manifest things quicker. Might be worth a try!

The Realization

Have you ever had a morning where you realize that the darkest days are behind you? You realize this because you’ve caught a glimpse of something you can’t quite explain, but know exists. It’s that moment of realization when you see so clearly that everything you perceive is reality…there are no mistakes, no missteps. You’re working toward your inner most desires. Just make certain that you know exactly what those desires truly are. Do not fear them, fear is simply another form of distrust. Trust yourself, trust your love for yourself. Everything you desire will be yours…you just have to believe in that and the world will unfold anew. 

The Useless Act of Fearing Consequence

More stoney thoughts that seemed profound at the time, but may not make a ton of sense in the morning hours. 

Fearing the consequences of getting what we want.
Fearing the return of natural balance – if I achieve something great, I am subjected to the natural consequence of that greatness – kind of like yin and yang. The payment, we perceive as equally great. To achieve a million dollars, the consequence would be equal to that…we perceive a million dollars as a lot of money, so our payment must be equally as expensive. 

I believe that you will only manifest what makes you happy…truly happy. You cannot fear your desires for the fear of consequence. An honest desire will have no consequence. No matter what you go through achieving it or keeping it, the rewards are always better than the alternatives. 

If we haven’t achieved what we desire, we must look at what thoughts are blocking us…what beliefs are preventing our desires from presenting themselves. 

You simply have to believe in your desires. It doesn’t matter what you call it…if you believe you will do something, you will. If you believe your keys will show up, they will. You don’t have to understand why or how…you just know it…deeply. 

I really don’t want a million dollars. That really doesn’t matter to me…but what a million dollars will bring me is exactly what I want – peace of mind…security. I want to live life calmly, happily, having fun and experiencing new people and new things. I want to experience love and peace of mind…having complete health and success. These are the only things of consequence money can bring.