New Fiction

I’ve decided to start writing again…I don’t really understand why I ever stop. I suppose it’s because it drains me to think about topics and, then weave words that desire to be read. But here I go…again. 

“I am an adulteress.” I repeated this to myself, as I searched the reflection in the mirror for any sign that the woman I once was still existed. In just two short years, the youfulness had dwindled from my eyes, and began to show as a new dullness in both my skin and eyes reflected back to me. Apparently, all of the trials and tribulations I had endured in my first forty years didn’t take nearly the toll that just two years spent in the beautiful turmoil of passion provided. 

I suppose there is still a level of naïveté that demonstrates itself, even at the age of thirty-eight. Looking back, I could equate myself to a child, desperately seeking the comfort, the safe  embrace, only a parent could provide. At the time, I was as lost as a piece of driftwood, carried across the miles of open ocean, with no particular destination. All I wanted was a safe place to rest my weary heart. It was quite pathetic, in retrospect. But somehow, I convinced myself that nothing mattered, no sin too great, for the warm sanctuary of an equally aching heart would heal all indiscretions. 

Beautifully Flawed

I’m here to tell you it’s OK. It’s OK to want a change, it’s OK to not want what you have…to want something different, something more. Things change, life changes. You are not the same person you were yesterday…you are not the person you will be tomorrow. 

I want you to know that I believe in you, I accept you for who you are…no matter how flawed you see yourself. I do not see flaws, I see a person who is growing. 

Do not give into social pressures to be what other want you to be. Do not be fooled by false concern…there are agendas everywhere and none of them are your own. People say they want the best for you, which I’m not saying isn’t true, but often times they really don’t want you to do something that will negatively impact them. We are all self-serving on some level. 

The bleakest times are often the times when a major shift is about to occur. It is acceptance of the self that creates major change. Suffering is only caused when you see what you want but fear seizing it because of the judgement of others. It’s OK to break away from mainstream thought…it isn’t mindful of the individual anyway. I have empathy for those who conform and never see that they are something much more than society has dictated. It is our duty to forgive ourselves for not wanting what society says we should, it is our duty to rebel and have our own thoughts and dreams, and it is our duty to not apologize for them. 

There truly is no failure, if you could only see life through the eyes of truth that await opening within each of us. Stop apologizing and start forgiving. Once you forgive yourself for not living up to the standards of others, you can start rewarding yourself for adhering to your own. 

I’ve heard you say, “I want you to do whatever it is you want to do.” Why can we say that to others and not say it to ourselves? Perhaps it is our way of saying what we want to say to ourselves, but we allow guilt to rule our path – steal from us our freedoms. We are free. Yes, responsibilities matter, but sacrificing ourselves in the course of tending to our responsibilities is not noble…it is feeding the trickery which we have been taught. 

So, I’m here to tell you that it’s OK. You are not wrong…you are beautifully flawed…like a scared tree that has continued to grow to new heights…it is perfect in its imperfections…and so are you. Please stop apologizing for your flaws…go and be beautifully flawed. Those around you will learn from you…see your flaws and see the beauty in them. Forgive yourself one last time and then leave behind your burdens. Move forward, grow, experience, love, and wander. I’ll be by your side. 

I Use the Word “Experience” A Lot in This One

More random thoughts that don’t necessarily string together very well –

Really think about the value of experience. The value of learning about situations, how they make you feel, and what you learn about yourself from all of your experiences combined. 

What you’re experiencing now is an invaluable, albeit temporary, lesson so you can move onto the next experience. Life is a series of experiences…one leading to the next. 

What I’m waiting for now is a great insight on how to experience the things I want to experience, rather than all these “interference” experiences. How many lessons does one have to have before they can have the experience they want. 

Listen to the experience. Your feelings are the key to the experience. Listen to your feelings, they are the key to discovering yourself, which is what you need to know in order to move on to the next experience. The experience is to discover yourself, that’s the point of everything. Know yourself and you know God.