The Adulteress


Continuing to write fiction…one day at a time. 

If I were a different type of person, I could likely find a reason for such treason. I could blame my parents for being too strict, perhaps, in some cosmic sense, I’m to pay for the sins of my father…and maybe even the sins of my mother. But really, the decision to become an adulteress is not a conscious one. It is a vulnerable one. Men and women alike, there are few, if any, who move through affairs with malicious intent. Unlike those devilish “one-night stands,” affairs are a balm to soothe an aching heart, they fill those tiny voids in your heart that you never realized existed. They are an awakening, a realization, in a way. They force you to see your reflection with foreign eyes, the face is familiar, but the thoughts are entirely new. Nothing is sacred anymore, your beliefs, your morals, not gone, only changed. You find yourself asking, “What do you truly hold dear?” Then, you struggle even more, trying to reconcile the person you’ve become…or perhaps always were. 

Then, of course, you get found out. Perhaps through admission, or, more often, you get caught. Either way, the villagers will happily light the pyre beneath your feet, burning you for not adhering to their moral code. Yet as your soul drifts to some new dimension, you discover that the morality preached is seldom righteous. The villagers have their own dirty little secrets, their lives are a lie, and you have become their sacrifice to absolve their own sins. 

It was never a life goal to view relationships as disposable. I soon found myself asking, “When did loyalty become possession?” I was not in love anymore, my marriage had become a contract, my life one of obligation and possession. My shoulders had become weak from carrying so many burdens, sustaining verbal abuse, and floundering through countless failures. It is probably a bit easier to understand that my dalliance was inevitable. A hand was extended, offering to lift my burdens, a heart was offered to fill those spaces that had been recklessly abandoned. I’m sure, as human as you are, you might possibly offer some understanding. 

The Higher Self

Last night I had an amazing experience…I actually “heard” my feelings. Not in the sense of audible words in my ears, it was something much deeper, and much harder to explain. You’ve heard to listen to your feelings, but have you ever actually heard them? Heard them without all the interference of your consciousness? The reality is, we try to process the information were receiving with our consciousness when we should be simply listening to the voice of our feelings.

When this happened, I realized that although I understand some things consciously…that conscious understanding does not mean I have truly listened to the voice within me. I have struggled so hard to consciously understand what life is, and what I am meant to do with mine. I have been seeking to make sense of it all so I can believe in the manifesting powers of The Universe, to trust, and have faith in my successes in this incarnation. Well, last night I discovered that I truly cannot understand if I do not listen with the right ears. Now I recognize my conscious mind as not my enemy, but a safety mechanism for this human form. My conscious and subconscious must now have the opportunity to work as one. My consciousness is part of my physical world, but my subconscious is part of my connection to something much greater. I must now move forward as trusting my higher self…for I don’t know that I ever truly believed, until now, the power of my subconscious. We have become so reactive in this physical form that we have forgotten our direct connection to God…or whatever you want to call it. Wise men have tried to tell us, but it has been lost in translation because our conscious mind has filtered too much.

How to Connect with Your Higher Self

Honestly, I have tried many times to connect with my higher self in order to gain some insight, some understanding. After my experience last night, the only way I can suggest you connect with and hear your inner-self is to “zone out.” Just zone out…almost like a mini-meditation. We do it hundreds of times a day. Only this time, be conscious enough to experience your feelings from a different place. Your mind will wander, just don’t focus in on one thought in-particular. Just let them flow and sense the emotion the best you can. It really is that simple, but I also understand that this is no easy task.

Please take my word on the fact that this is the truth, at least for me. I have been on this journey for a long time, tripping over myself. I am not a flaky person, I have always prided myself on being cemented in reality…it’s only now that I realize that what I thought was a virtue, was actually a hindrance.

Right & Wrong, Front & Back

What if right was wrong and wrong was right? Everything you believed to be true would be lost and then with what would you be left? Just yourself and your backwards beliefs. 

Yet how do you navigate when all you know is lost? The answer is simple, although we often choose to ignore – instinct is what is waiting behind your tightly locked door. 

So as you move forward throughout each day, feel your instinct from deep within…and listen to those feelings so your life can begin. 

I Use the Word “Experience” A Lot in This One

More random thoughts that don’t necessarily string together very well –

Really think about the value of experience. The value of learning about situations, how they make you feel, and what you learn about yourself from all of your experiences combined. 

What you’re experiencing now is an invaluable, albeit temporary, lesson so you can move onto the next experience. Life is a series of experiences…one leading to the next. 

What I’m waiting for now is a great insight on how to experience the things I want to experience, rather than all these “interference” experiences. How many lessons does one have to have before they can have the experience they want. 

Listen to the experience. Your feelings are the key to the experience. Listen to your feelings, they are the key to discovering yourself, which is what you need to know in order to move on to the next experience. The experience is to discover yourself, that’s the point of everything. Know yourself and you know God.