The Adulteress

Continuing to write fiction…one day at a time. 

If I were a different type of person, I could likely find a reason for such treason. I could blame my parents for being too strict, perhaps, in some cosmic sense, I’m to pay for the sins of my father…and maybe even the sins of my mother. But really, the decision to become an adulteress is not a conscious one. It is a vulnerable one. Men and women alike, there are few, if any, who move through affairs with malicious intent. Unlike those devilish “one-night stands,” affairs are a balm to soothe an aching heart, they fill those tiny voids in your heart that you never realized existed. They are an awakening, a realization, in a way. They force you to see your reflection with foreign eyes, the face is familiar, but the thoughts are entirely new. Nothing is sacred anymore, your beliefs, your morals, not gone, only changed. You find yourself asking, “What do you truly hold dear?” Then, you struggle even more, trying to reconcile the person you’ve become…or perhaps always were. 

Then, of course, you get found out. Perhaps through admission, or, more often, you get caught. Either way, the villagers will happily light the pyre beneath your feet, burning you for not adhering to their moral code. Yet as your soul drifts to some new dimension, you discover that the morality preached is seldom righteous. The villagers have their own dirty little secrets, their lives are a lie, and you have become their sacrifice to absolve their own sins. 

It was never a life goal to view relationships as disposable. I soon found myself asking, “When did loyalty become possession?” I was not in love anymore, my marriage had become a contract, my life one of obligation and possession. My shoulders had become weak from carrying so many burdens, sustaining verbal abuse, and floundering through countless failures. It is probably a bit easier to understand that my dalliance was inevitable. A hand was extended, offering to lift my burdens, a heart was offered to fill those spaces that had been recklessly abandoned. I’m sure, as human as you are, you might possibly offer some understanding. 

New Fiction

I’ve decided to start writing again…I don’t really understand why I ever stop. I suppose it’s because it drains me to think about topics and, then weave words that desire to be read. But here I go…again. 

“I am an adulteress.” I repeated this to myself, as I searched the reflection in the mirror for any sign that the woman I once was still existed. In just two short years, the youfulness had dwindled from my eyes, and began to show as a new dullness in both my skin and eyes reflected back to me. Apparently, all of the trials and tribulations I had endured in my first forty years didn’t take nearly the toll that just two years spent in the beautiful turmoil of passion provided. 

I suppose there is still a level of naïveté that demonstrates itself, even at the age of thirty-eight. Looking back, I could equate myself to a child, desperately seeking the comfort, the safe  embrace, only a parent could provide. At the time, I was as lost as a piece of driftwood, carried across the miles of open ocean, with no particular destination. All I wanted was a safe place to rest my weary heart. It was quite pathetic, in retrospect. But somehow, I convinced myself that nothing mattered, no sin too great, for the warm sanctuary of an equally aching heart would heal all indiscretions. 

Enter The Naysayer

Here I am, still trying to undo my constant skepticism and judgement of myself. I found something recently that gives me strength – I found my passion. It is unconventional, but knowing my ever evolving self, I would expect it to be nothing less. In the end, it is mine and I am happy to have finally uncovered something so special. 

Some days I feel as though I’ve made major strides, others not so much. When I really think about it, I guess I have come a long way in this journey of myself. At one time, I would’ve told myself that my passion is silly, or that I could never make a living pursuing it. I do still struggle with those defeatist thoughts, but I must be getting better because I am pursuing my passion. 

Enter The Naysayer

I was sharing my new found passion with my ex, with whom I normally have a very good relationship, only to be met with the worst version of my former self. He was so excited for my earning potential and possible advancement in this new industry that when I told him that I was so happy to have found something I believe in, being able to make money at it was a total bonus, his eyes  narrowed and his tone became harsh. Judgement roared about my priorities as well as my value, “Money should be first!” he raged, and on from there he went. I’m not sure why I was surprised, he was being exactly who I thought he was…and that’s when I realized just how far I had come.

I realized that my strength of thought and my desire to be me actually scares people who are floundering. I don’t rejoice in this realization, I actually wish others could see what I am beginning to see – self awareness and self acceptance. Sadly, I know this particular person won’t find this, at least not for a very long time. So, as the dust settles, I shall pay no mind…and continue to be mindful of my self

Finding Passion

For years I’ve tried to visualize the life I wanted so I could somehow start working my way there. And for years, I struggled…I knew what I wanted, but could never get excited about it because I had no idea how it would come to be in my life. I could never have quite enough faith as the “manifesting gurus.” But I guess I actually did have enough faith, because everything came together in just one moment. 

It was probably a 10 second experience and it just happened a few minutes ago. My dream scenario flashed into my mind, completely unannounced, and I felt an overwhelming amount of joy from watching it play out. Why did I suddenly experience such excitement? Because I now know exactly what I want to do in my career and that career is the key to unlocking all of my dreams. 

My career has always been important to me…but I was raised to think of the money first. It truly would have been better for a person like me to be passionate about my industry first, and then worry about the living it would provide…unhappiness leads to mental wandering for me…which leads to frustration and negativity. I never realized how important being happy was to me…it was never encouraged in my childhood – but somewhere along my way through my twenties I started to wake up and realize how important happiness is…and it’s not selfish to want to find your own happiness. 

Anyway…I’ve never been able to relate to sayings such as, “Do what you love and the money will follow.” I never knew what I loved…I was always chasing the almighty dollar. Eventually I gave up on everything. I was completely lost and did not know where my next step would take me when suddenly everything changed. I saw an opportunity to break into a new industry and took a chance on sending out resumes. Within a couple of days pieces literally started falling into place and now I know how to reach every dream I’ve ever wanted. 

It’s an amazing feeling to suddenly know your path after walking in complete darkness for more than a year…and the coolest thing is, my path literally rose up to meet me. I did not seek it out…I didn’t even know what hit me. I now know that nothing can stop me…I’m not sure when I’ll succeed, but I’m passionate now and I know my dreams are coming true. 

It all makes sense now…this couldn’t have happened ten years ago…it couldn’t have happened yesterday either…every single step I’ve taken had to occur so I could be exactly who I am now. It wasn’t a moment too soon or a second too late. A perfectly timed Universe…imagine that! 

In closing, I’d like to tell you that if you don’t know what your passion is, just be patient. It’s coming…the information you’re gathering now is leading the way…your passion will find you. You’ve already asked for it.