The Adulteress


Continuing to write fiction…one day at a time. 

If I were a different type of person, I could likely find a reason for such treason. I could blame my parents for being too strict, perhaps, in some cosmic sense, I’m to pay for the sins of my father…and maybe even the sins of my mother. But really, the decision to become an adulteress is not a conscious one. It is a vulnerable one. Men and women alike, there are few, if any, who move through affairs with malicious intent. Unlike those devilish “one-night stands,” affairs are a balm to soothe an aching heart, they fill those tiny voids in your heart that you never realized existed. They are an awakening, a realization, in a way. They force you to see your reflection with foreign eyes, the face is familiar, but the thoughts are entirely new. Nothing is sacred anymore, your beliefs, your morals, not gone, only changed. You find yourself asking, “What do you truly hold dear?” Then, you struggle even more, trying to reconcile the person you’ve become…or perhaps always were. 

Then, of course, you get found out. Perhaps through admission, or, more often, you get caught. Either way, the villagers will happily light the pyre beneath your feet, burning you for not adhering to their moral code. Yet as your soul drifts to some new dimension, you discover that the morality preached is seldom righteous. The villagers have their own dirty little secrets, their lives are a lie, and you have become their sacrifice to absolve their own sins. 

It was never a life goal to view relationships as disposable. I soon found myself asking, “When did loyalty become possession?” I was not in love anymore, my marriage had become a contract, my life one of obligation and possession. My shoulders had become weak from carrying so many burdens, sustaining verbal abuse, and floundering through countless failures. It is probably a bit easier to understand that my dalliance was inevitable. A hand was extended, offering to lift my burdens, a heart was offered to fill those spaces that had been recklessly abandoned. I’m sure, as human as you are, you might possibly offer some understanding. 

New Fiction

I’ve decided to start writing again…I don’t really understand why I ever stop. I suppose it’s because it drains me to think about topics and, then weave words that desire to be read. But here I go…again. 

“I am an adulteress.” I repeated this to myself, as I searched the reflection in the mirror for any sign that the woman I once was still existed. In just two short years, the youfulness had dwindled from my eyes, and began to show as a new dullness in both my skin and eyes reflected back to me. Apparently, all of the trials and tribulations I had endured in my first forty years didn’t take nearly the toll that just two years spent in the beautiful turmoil of passion provided. 

I suppose there is still a level of naïveté that demonstrates itself, even at the age of thirty-eight. Looking back, I could equate myself to a child, desperately seeking the comfort, the safe  embrace, only a parent could provide. At the time, I was as lost as a piece of driftwood, carried across the miles of open ocean, with no particular destination. All I wanted was a safe place to rest my weary heart. It was quite pathetic, in retrospect. But somehow, I convinced myself that nothing mattered, no sin too great, for the warm sanctuary of an equally aching heart would heal all indiscretions. 

A Meditative Awakening

I had an experience during last night’s meditation that is a bit hard to capture in words, so please bear with me. 

You know how all the “experts” say that in order to manifest something in your life you have to truly believe it? You can’t just want it…you have to know it…trust it. I have struggled with this for years. I know what I need and I know what I want. I just couldn’t really make it happen. Then last night I realized that in order  for the Law of Attraction…or whatever you want to call it…to work, you have to first truly believe in it…believe in that Law, believe it exists. I realized that I’ve spent many years wanting to believe in it…but never truly believing in the faith I claimed to have. That all changed last night. 

Last night during my meditation I detached from my physical body and somehow saw my entire life, somehow I saw reality in a different way, and I felt what it was like to actually trust something other than my conscious mind. It gave me an overwhelming feeling of peace. I knew myself…I knew the power of my mind…and I, for the first time in my life, believed in my faith. I won’t deny that experiencing the true power of my mind was scary. It was overwhelming. Yet, even through all the fear, I knew that what I had to offer was overwhelmingly good and it was my duty to go forward and trust that everything I desire will become a reality in this experience I call life. 

In order to find yourself you must completely let go of everything you think you are and allow yourself to fall. I haven’t been able to do this from a conscious state, so meditation as been my tool. I promise you, you will not be destroyed, but you will be reborn. 

Acceptance

When I first started on this journey “inward” I was pretty typical. Constantly reacting to my outside influences and situations. The pivotal moment in my life came when I took a trip to my ex’s dad’s house. They lived a unique lifestyle…very in the moment, very free. 

There I was, in my late twenties never having experienced truly being accepted. I was always living up to someone else’s standards and ideas of what was right. During the week I spent in their home I felt truly accepted…even when we differed in opinion on various topics. From that time on, I began to accept myself as I was. I accepted my alternative ideas, my explorative thoughts, my seemingly unpopular views on social stigmas, you name it. That was the key – acceptance. Once I started accepting myself, it mattered less and less what others thought. My peers expected me to be like them…which I basically saw as “judgmental.” I knew that I was a good person, although some would question my new journey…labeling it as “weird.”

Even now, I find great pleasure in accepting myself and others for who they are. Not saying I like everything I see in others, but I no longer wish to change anyone…I simply accept them and if they don’t fit into my life, I move on. There’s a peace in that. 

Love yourself, accept others as they are. Don’t waste your time with judgement, for there is no such thing. This life is truly about your perceptions…mostly about yourself.