I’ve decided to start writing again…I don’t really understand why I ever stop. I suppose it’s because it drains me to think about topics and, then weave words that desire to be read. But here I go…again.
“I am an adulteress.” I repeated this to myself, as I searched the reflection in the mirror for any sign that the woman I once was still existed. In just two short years, the youfulness had dwindled from my eyes, and began to show as a new dullness in both my skin and eyes reflected back to me. Apparently, all of the trials and tribulations I had endured in my first forty years didn’t take nearly the toll that just two years spent in the beautiful turmoil of passion provided.
I suppose there is still a level of naïveté that demonstrates itself, even at the age of thirty-eight. Looking back, I could equate myself to a child, desperately seeking the comfort, the safe embrace, only a parent could provide. At the time, I was as lost as a piece of driftwood, carried across the miles of open ocean, with no particular destination. All I wanted was a safe place to rest my weary heart. It was quite pathetic, in retrospect. But somehow, I convinced myself that nothing mattered, no sin too great, for the warm sanctuary of an equally aching heart would heal all indiscretions.
While meditating, I found myself saying “I wish I was who I am today back in high school.” Then it hit me, why? Why isn’t it ok to be this person today…I love that I can appreciate myself today…my 17 year old self would never have appreciated this type of experience, knowledge, and growth. Why do so many of us want to take our knowledge back in time instead of applying it to our future? Do we think we can undo some great damage…make better choices? You know as well as I do that we needed to make those choices and experience the resulting damages to become this greater version of ourselves. If we were this amazing person all those years ago, we would make other bad decisions and suffer, perhaps, greater damages. Choices, good and bad, helped mold the person we now know.
Although, it really is nice to realize that we apparently love this version of ourselves so much, we wish we were always like this.
When I first started on this journey “inward” I was pretty typical. Constantly reacting to my outside influences and situations. The pivotal moment in my life came when I took a trip to my ex’s dad’s house. They lived a unique lifestyle…very in the moment, very free.
There I was, in my late twenties never having experienced truly being accepted. I was always living up to someone else’s standards and ideas of what was right. During the week I spent in their home I felt truly accepted…even when we differed in opinion on various topics. From that time on, I began to accept myself as I was. I accepted my alternative ideas, my explorative thoughts, my seemingly unpopular views on social stigmas, you name it. That was the key – acceptance. Once I started accepting myself, it mattered less and less what others thought. My peers expected me to be like them…which I basically saw as “judgmental.” I knew that I was a good person, although some would question my new journey…labeling it as “weird.”
Even now, I find great pleasure in accepting myself and others for who they are. Not saying I like everything I see in others, but I no longer wish to change anyone…I simply accept them and if they don’t fit into my life, I move on. There’s a peace in that.
Love yourself, accept others as they are. Don’t waste your time with judgement, for there is no such thing. This life is truly about your perceptions…mostly about yourself.
Have you ever had a morning where you realize that the darkest days are behind you? You realize this because you’ve caught a glimpse of something you can’t quite explain, but know exists. It’s that moment of realization when you see so clearly that everything you perceive is reality…there are no mistakes, no missteps. You’re working toward your inner most desires. Just make certain that you know exactly what those desires truly are. Do not fear them, fear is simply another form of distrust. Trust yourself, trust your love for yourself. Everything you desire will be yours…you just have to believe in that and the world will unfold anew.