The Adulteress


Continuing to write fiction…one day at a time. 

If I were a different type of person, I could likely find a reason for such treason. I could blame my parents for being too strict, perhaps, in some cosmic sense, I’m to pay for the sins of my father…and maybe even the sins of my mother. But really, the decision to become an adulteress is not a conscious one. It is a vulnerable one. Men and women alike, there are few, if any, who move through affairs with malicious intent. Unlike those devilish “one-night stands,” affairs are a balm to soothe an aching heart, they fill those tiny voids in your heart that you never realized existed. They are an awakening, a realization, in a way. They force you to see your reflection with foreign eyes, the face is familiar, but the thoughts are entirely new. Nothing is sacred anymore, your beliefs, your morals, not gone, only changed. You find yourself asking, “What do you truly hold dear?” Then, you struggle even more, trying to reconcile the person you’ve become…or perhaps always were. 

Then, of course, you get found out. Perhaps through admission, or, more often, you get caught. Either way, the villagers will happily light the pyre beneath your feet, burning you for not adhering to their moral code. Yet as your soul drifts to some new dimension, you discover that the morality preached is seldom righteous. The villagers have their own dirty little secrets, their lives are a lie, and you have become their sacrifice to absolve their own sins. 

It was never a life goal to view relationships as disposable. I soon found myself asking, “When did loyalty become possession?” I was not in love anymore, my marriage had become a contract, my life one of obligation and possession. My shoulders had become weak from carrying so many burdens, sustaining verbal abuse, and floundering through countless failures. It is probably a bit easier to understand that my dalliance was inevitable. A hand was extended, offering to lift my burdens, a heart was offered to fill those spaces that had been recklessly abandoned. I’m sure, as human as you are, you might possibly offer some understanding. 

New Fiction

I’ve decided to start writing again…I don’t really understand why I ever stop. I suppose it’s because it drains me to think about topics and, then weave words that desire to be read. But here I go…again. 

“I am an adulteress.” I repeated this to myself, as I searched the reflection in the mirror for any sign that the woman I once was still existed. In just two short years, the youfulness had dwindled from my eyes, and began to show as a new dullness in both my skin and eyes reflected back to me. Apparently, all of the trials and tribulations I had endured in my first forty years didn’t take nearly the toll that just two years spent in the beautiful turmoil of passion provided. 

I suppose there is still a level of naïveté that demonstrates itself, even at the age of thirty-eight. Looking back, I could equate myself to a child, desperately seeking the comfort, the safe  embrace, only a parent could provide. At the time, I was as lost as a piece of driftwood, carried across the miles of open ocean, with no particular destination. All I wanted was a safe place to rest my weary heart. It was quite pathetic, in retrospect. But somehow, I convinced myself that nothing mattered, no sin too great, for the warm sanctuary of an equally aching heart would heal all indiscretions. 

Thoughts on Inspiration

They…whoever “they” are…say that inspiration can strike anywhere at any time. I say, hog wash! The only place I find inspiration is when my mind is at ease, at rest, and very much in the present. I observe things differently in these states. I have found these moments when sober…but they are fleeting and seem forgettable. Enter marijuana. It’s not what so many naysayers think it is…it eases my mind and body, releases me from the shackles of my reality, and allows me to dream! It is instant inspiration, instant imagination, but most of all, instant peace of mind…which is simply priceless. 

Manifesting Your Dreams

Some people say we need to truly believe we already have what we desire in order for it to manifest in our reality. Well, what if we are constantly slipping into other universes and realities? What if each day we see ourselves waking up in the reality that holds our most cherished desires? Each day we would be slipping closer and closer to our goals. If we can perceive life this way, maybe then we can create the belief we’ve been lacking and manifest things quicker. Might be worth a try!

The Higher Self

Last night I had an amazing experience…I actually “heard” my feelings. Not in the sense of audible words in my ears, it was something much deeper, and much harder to explain. You’ve heard to listen to your feelings, but have you ever actually heard them? Heard them without all the interference of your consciousness? The reality is, we try to process the information were receiving with our consciousness when we should be simply listening to the voice of our feelings.

When this happened, I realized that although I understand some things consciously…that conscious understanding does not mean I have truly listened to the voice within me. I have struggled so hard to consciously understand what life is, and what I am meant to do with mine. I have been seeking to make sense of it all so I can believe in the manifesting powers of The Universe, to trust, and have faith in my successes in this incarnation. Well, last night I discovered that I truly cannot understand if I do not listen with the right ears. Now I recognize my conscious mind as not my enemy, but a safety mechanism for this human form. My conscious and subconscious must now have the opportunity to work as one. My consciousness is part of my physical world, but my subconscious is part of my connection to something much greater. I must now move forward as trusting my higher self…for I don’t know that I ever truly believed, until now, the power of my subconscious. We have become so reactive in this physical form that we have forgotten our direct connection to God…or whatever you want to call it. Wise men have tried to tell us, but it has been lost in translation because our conscious mind has filtered too much.

How to Connect with Your Higher Self

Honestly, I have tried many times to connect with my higher self in order to gain some insight, some understanding. After my experience last night, the only way I can suggest you connect with and hear your inner-self is to “zone out.” Just zone out…almost like a mini-meditation. We do it hundreds of times a day. Only this time, be conscious enough to experience your feelings from a different place. Your mind will wander, just don’t focus in on one thought in-particular. Just let them flow and sense the emotion the best you can. It really is that simple, but I also understand that this is no easy task.

Please take my word on the fact that this is the truth, at least for me. I have been on this journey for a long time, tripping over myself. I am not a flaky person, I have always prided myself on being cemented in reality…it’s only now that I realize that what I thought was a virtue, was actually a hindrance.

Your Reminder

Since the weekend is upon us, I wanted to give you a quick reminder to remember your highest thought about yourself. Just take a moment right now to think of the best possible thought that makes you happy, the possibilities you have, how the endings in your life mean greater and more exciting beginnings. This is your reality, know what you want it to be and believe in those possibilities…no matter how far-fetched they may seem. Each day is yours.