The Government Agent’s Wife

I’ve decided to share my story. It’s less about entertainment and more about therapy. Perhaps you can relate…although, in many cases, I hope you can’t. I’ll start at the beginning and end somewhere near the present. Not sure how many posts this will take, so keep an eye out. 

My Beginning

It was a warm, Arizona day, shortly after my 21st birthday. My parents and some friends had taken me and my friend to Vegas to celebrate our milestone birthdays. I was so young to have endured what I had already endured. You see, I was married at the tender age of 19. Not because I was in love, but because I wanted a way out of my parent’s house. 

My parents were good people, strong people, and very savvy, to boot. Every time I tried to move out on my own, they would point out how it just couldn’t be done alone. Well, along came a man who could change all of that. He had family money, a decent job, and he said he loved me. What more could a seriously insecure girl want? I promptly got engaged and the day after our wedding, the abuse began. It started with him berating me, then physically dominating me, squeezing me until I couldn’t breathe, and quickly moved to smothering me with pillows, and repeated rapes. He even went so far as to trick me into believing he wasn’t home and ambushing me. It ended with him raping me, a gun sat on the table that my head hit as he sodomized me.

Had it not been for my parents coming over for dinner that night, I’m not sure what would’ve happened to me. They put what they could of my things in trash bags and moved me back home. Over the coming months, my ex kept baiting me with items of necessity, like my car insurance cards. I went to pick them up from the front porch and he would grab me and sodomize me. I honestly don’t know why I went over there, why I trusted that things like that wouldn’t have happened, but they did…and I’m lucky to be here today to tell my story. 

In the end, he sold all of my childhood belongings, things I held so dear, and that was the end of the girl, I had become a damaged adult by the age of 20. 

I guess it all makes sense that my next relationship, which started when I was 21, would be with a handsome man with policeman aspirations. Of course, I didn’t know it when we first met, but within moments I knew that this man was someone I could trust, and that was a big deal. He achieved his goal of becoming a police officer three months after we started dating in March of 1998, and I thought that we were on our way to a good, long, happy life. 

He moved 100 miles away and we maintained a long distance relationship for two years. Even though he became engulfed in his job and added a level of arrogance to his personality, I still loved him and thought we could make it through anything. Looking back, I guess I loved him enough for the both of us, only to find that that could never last. 

New Fiction

I’ve decided to start writing again…I don’t really understand why I ever stop. I suppose it’s because it drains me to think about topics and, then weave words that desire to be read. But here I go…again. 

“I am an adulteress.” I repeated this to myself, as I searched the reflection in the mirror for any sign that the woman I once was still existed. In just two short years, the youfulness had dwindled from my eyes, and began to show as a new dullness in both my skin and eyes reflected back to me. Apparently, all of the trials and tribulations I had endured in my first forty years didn’t take nearly the toll that just two years spent in the beautiful turmoil of passion provided. 

I suppose there is still a level of naïveté that demonstrates itself, even at the age of thirty-eight. Looking back, I could equate myself to a child, desperately seeking the comfort, the safe  embrace, only a parent could provide. At the time, I was as lost as a piece of driftwood, carried across the miles of open ocean, with no particular destination. All I wanted was a safe place to rest my weary heart. It was quite pathetic, in retrospect. But somehow, I convinced myself that nothing mattered, no sin too great, for the warm sanctuary of an equally aching heart would heal all indiscretions. 

Exploring the Shadow

Even the strongest vine will wither with no light. It feels as though I’m being swallowed by the darkness and fear that I’ll find myself abandoned…with no one to help me…no one but me. 

When you are your enemy, you are both preditor and prey. The darkness is so dark that my eyes have begun to play tricks on me. Hopefulness flickers before my eyes in the nonexistent light. Demons are lurking in the darkest places of my shadow, and I can no longer run. I must blindly wander, exposed, through the darkness and explore my shadow, whether I want to or not. 

Enter The Naysayer

Here I am, still trying to undo my constant skepticism and judgement of myself. I found something recently that gives me strength – I found my passion. It is unconventional, but knowing my ever evolving self, I would expect it to be nothing less. In the end, it is mine and I am happy to have finally uncovered something so special. 

Some days I feel as though I’ve made major strides, others not so much. When I really think about it, I guess I have come a long way in this journey of myself. At one time, I would’ve told myself that my passion is silly, or that I could never make a living pursuing it. I do still struggle with those defeatist thoughts, but I must be getting better because I am pursuing my passion. 

Enter The Naysayer

I was sharing my new found passion with my ex, with whom I normally have a very good relationship, only to be met with the worst version of my former self. He was so excited for my earning potential and possible advancement in this new industry that when I told him that I was so happy to have found something I believe in, being able to make money at it was a total bonus, his eyes  narrowed and his tone became harsh. Judgement roared about my priorities as well as my value, “Money should be first!” he raged, and on from there he went. I’m not sure why I was surprised, he was being exactly who I thought he was…and that’s when I realized just how far I had come.

I realized that my strength of thought and my desire to be me actually scares people who are floundering. I don’t rejoice in this realization, I actually wish others could see what I am beginning to see – self awareness and self acceptance. Sadly, I know this particular person won’t find this, at least not for a very long time. So, as the dust settles, I shall pay no mind…and continue to be mindful of my self