I’ve decided to start writing again…I don’t really understand why I ever stop. I suppose it’s because it drains me to think about topics and, then weave words that desire to be read. But here I go…again.
“I am an adulteress.” I repeated this to myself, as I searched the reflection in the mirror for any sign that the woman I once was still existed. In just two short years, the youfulness had dwindled from my eyes, and began to show as a new dullness in both my skin and eyes reflected back to me. Apparently, all of the trials and tribulations I had endured in my first forty years didn’t take nearly the toll that just two years spent in the beautiful turmoil of passion provided.
I suppose there is still a level of naïveté that demonstrates itself, even at the age of thirty-eight. Looking back, I could equate myself to a child, desperately seeking the comfort, the safe embrace, only a parent could provide. At the time, I was as lost as a piece of driftwood, carried across the miles of open ocean, with no particular destination. All I wanted was a safe place to rest my weary heart. It was quite pathetic, in retrospect. But somehow, I convinced myself that nothing mattered, no sin too great, for the warm sanctuary of an equally aching heart would heal all indiscretions.
Even the strongest vine will wither with no light. It feels as though I’m being swallowed by the darkness and fear that I’ll find myself abandoned…with no one to help me…no one but me.
When you are your enemy, you are both preditor and prey. The darkness is so dark that my eyes have begun to play tricks on me. Hopefulness flickers before my eyes in the nonexistent light. Demons are lurking in the darkest places of my shadow, and I can no longer run. I must blindly wander, exposed, through the darkness and explore my shadow, whether I want to or not.
Here I am, still trying to undo my constant skepticism and judgement of myself. I found something recently that gives me strength – I found my passion. It is unconventional, but knowing my ever evolving self, I would expect it to be nothing less. In the end, it is mine and I am happy to have finally uncovered something so special.
Some days I feel as though I’ve made major strides, others not so much. When I really think about it, I guess I have come a long way in this journey of myself. At one time, I would’ve told myself that my passion is silly, or that I could never make a living pursuing it. I do still struggle with those defeatist thoughts, but I must be getting better because I am pursuing my passion.
Enter The Naysayer
I was sharing my new found passion with my ex, with whom I normally have a very good relationship, only to be met with the worst version of my former self. He was so excited for my earning potential and possible advancement in this new industry that when I told him that I was so happy to have found something I believe in, being able to make money at it was a total bonus, his eyes narrowed and his tone became harsh. Judgement roared about my priorities as well as my value, “Money should be first!” he raged, and on from there he went. I’m not sure why I was surprised, he was being exactly who I thought he was…and that’s when I realized just how far I had come.
I realized that my strength of thought and my desire to be me actually scares people who are floundering. I don’t rejoice in this realization, I actually wish others could see what I am beginning to see – self awareness and self acceptance. Sadly, I know this particular person won’t find this, at least not for a very long time. So, as the dust settles, I shall pay no mind…and continue to be mindful of my self.