I’ve decided to start writing again…I don’t really understand why I ever stop. I suppose it’s because it drains me to think about topics and, then weave words that desire to be read. But here I go…again.
“I am an adulteress.” I repeated this to myself, as I searched the reflection in the mirror for any sign that the woman I once was still existed. In just two short years, the youfulness had dwindled from my eyes, and began to show as a new dullness in both my skin and eyes reflected back to me. Apparently, all of the trials and tribulations I had endured in my first forty years didn’t take nearly the toll that just two years spent in the beautiful turmoil of passion provided.
I suppose there is still a level of naïveté that demonstrates itself, even at the age of thirty-eight. Looking back, I could equate myself to a child, desperately seeking the comfort, the safe embrace, only a parent could provide. At the time, I was as lost as a piece of driftwood, carried across the miles of open ocean, with no particular destination. All I wanted was a safe place to rest my weary heart. It was quite pathetic, in retrospect. But somehow, I convinced myself that nothing mattered, no sin too great, for the warm sanctuary of an equally aching heart would heal all indiscretions.
The reason things don’t work is because we use our consciousness to manipulate situations. But it’s really no wonder that that doesn’t work. There’s just too much noise, too much interference. If we could let go and trust that our needs and wants are absolutely perfect and just let them play out as they shall, and know that you are headed for the destination you desire, life will be smooth, happy, and desires will be realized sooner than if we try to interfere with the divinity within us, which is creating exactly what we want.
The winds that usher in the next season met my tear stained cheeks with the smack of chilling reality. My body aches from your sweet sting, the one that brought me to my knees. The trails of exploration that traipse across my body still shimmer with the memory of your touch. Yet my heart hangs heavy beneath my tender breasts, the only evidence of my secretly held, hopeful, now devastated, dreams. Your scent still lingers and my kiss battered lips quiver as the tears of a shattered heart tumble, hopelessly from my eyes. I don’t really know what I thought was going to happen. Maybe I took a chance on the impossible dream, and maybe I will never recover from the new knowing of what true love feels like.
As I drove down the road I realized how life is like a game of chess. Every move, every negotiation, is a strategic position.
Only logic can prevail
Settling into the right space
I negotiate for everything
But tonight I found a happiness that has evaded me for a lifetime
Simply knowing you exist is enough for now
But what happens when the light inside you goes out?
Everything is strategy, calculation
Inspiration has been lost to constant strategy and negotiation
I only want for one thing and that is fulfillment
Fulfillment begets happiness
Happiness begets inspiration